It’s after midnight, and I lie awake in my bed, tears falling softly into my pillow.  Knowledge of my weaknesses, failures, and sins eats away at my soul.  The weight of this burden threatens to crush me.  Oh how I loathe and despise sin!  But the hatred of my sin stems not from a spirit of godly conviction, or from a humble sorrow that it was for MY sin that Christ was crucified.  I despise my sin because it reveals the folly of my self-reliance.  I long to be my own savior, finding in myself all that I need to be and to do good.   I weep because I cannot attain perfection by sheer will alone.  My striving has proven thoroughly inadequate.  The reality that I am so desperately needy causes such warring and discomfort in my spirit.  Am I really not enough?  In my flesh, I abhor the idea of dependence on another.  Even in human relationships, I want to be the giver, not the receiver.

Ever so slowly, the Lord is teaching me to lay down this idol of self-reliance, and to embrace the paradoxical freedom found in my human frailty.

In moments of sheer weariness when my natural strength is all but spent, and no other choice is before me save running to the Lord, I’ve experienced the surprising joy and respite of letting go and leaning into the All-Sufficient One. 
 
I’m learning to discover the beauty and peace in accepting my broken state - not because my sin is trivial and insignificant, but because it is so profound, pervasive, destructive, and wholly ruinous that only the boundless mercy and grace of God can cover it.  My prayer is to grow ever more deeply rooted in the truth of the gospel – that I, a wretched sinner, am lavishly loved, zealously pursued, and wondrously redeemed by Christ Himself.

Father, thank You that I can fully trust in You. Thank You that I do not have to know it all, understand it all, figure it all out. I often try to control things that are not in my control, help me to let go. Help me to let go of reliance on myself and rely on You instead. You invite me to lean on You, to let You guide me. Give me the courage and strength to do that Father. Teach me Your ways O Lord, that I might trust You with my whole heart and seek Your guidance and strength in all I do. I am weary Lord, but Your zealous, lavish love renews and replenishes me. How good you are to us O Lord, how faithful Your ways!

This article by Amy first appeared in The Lovely Commission, a new publishing venture and brand of Kairos North America. It is is run by Molly Kilpatrick and Mary Rose Jordan and a team of contributors from various Christian communities in North America and beyond. Together they are working to build a culture of radical love, femininity, modesty of heart, mind, and body amongst young women.